faith in the face of fear
subtitle: don’t stop until you get enough
It is all too easy for us to forget where fear can lead. It is all too easy to equate fear with morality. Jesus addressed this several times in scripture. I’ve even had some of my favorite aliens tell me that I should stop being afraid of salvation and just go for it.
So why do we fear? Recently tapes of a time not that far in our past, when a conservative president who became known for acting on his fear, surfaced. To quote: “There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white,”
I think you aliens misunderstand me when I talk about the powers and principalities of this world. I’m not talking about possession or anything charismaniacal like that. No, that would be too obvious and easy for you to overcome.
Sally Kern has once again made her position on morality in the state of Oklahoma clear: “Oklahoma Citizen’s Proclamation for Morality”. Of course, this proclamation continues the tradition of marginalizing those citizens of Oklahoma who aren’t Christians. At least not her kind.
Does that include Mormons? Because I’ve heard it argued both ways that Mormons are or aren’t. What about Muslims? I only ask because I’m pretty sure that Islam sees Jesus as just another prophet, and not the savior. I’m not sure how other religions see all these Christian issues in the state of Oklahoma, but so what? They are the margins, not the center. Let’s not even mention those godless atheists, who should all go back where they came from anyway.
Let’s just go ahead and ask it: Are blacks and gays the same? How about blacks, gays, illegal aliens, jews, oh what the heck, just list yer most feared group of people. Harley bike riders…(grin)
“Fear made people do amazing and terrible things. It could give some the power to lift cars off injured children. It could make others pick up automatic assault rifles and open fire on crowds of strangers in convenience stores. Fear was like lightning. You never knew where it would strike, or in which direction it would leap when it did.” That’s an excerpt from page 419 of “BEYOND THE PALE” by Mark Anthony.
It’s a pretty good description of the power of Fear, when all that controls it is human morality. So, boys and girls, IMHO, without the proper authority in control, Fear is.
We’re getting to see that played out during the death of a public figure who has lived with the fame and the shame of rumor and gossip and the focus that fame brings with it.
Michael Jackson was a pedophile. Well, wasn’t he? Isn’t that what you believe? You wouldn’t praise a man who was a known pedophile, would you?
Oops. My bad. I’d say something, but Scott IS black. I wouldn’t want to be mistaken for a racist. Cause I’m a scared of that!
Oh well. Here’s a bit more of that pedophile, just so you don’t leave with the wrong impression about this jacko, I mean sicko:
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Have you noticed how white he was getting? Poor lil black boy was trying to pass. Talk about yer white envy! Sorry Michael, but you were still black. That use to mean something in this state! What? It did too. Can you say Edmond? I knew that you could. (grin)
So, what are you scared of?
the greatest gifts
subtitle: are ones you’ve done nothing to earn
My wife is improving dramatically at this point. Much of her clarity and judgment have returned. Her appointment with a follow-up psychiatrist, which was going to have to wait until July 13th, was cancelled. And I was able to reschedule it for this Monday instead.
I am hoping he will be able to reduce her medications back to maintenance levels.
All I can do in the face of these blessings is accept them. I haven’t done anything to earn them.
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I’m so afraid of the gift you give me
I don’t belong here and I’m not well
I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living
I’m right on the wrong side of it all
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Maybe that is what makes them the greatest gifts.
Still Overwhelmed, but Completely Bemused
subtitle: “baby, did you forget to take your meds?” (note; video link to song by Placebo is rated M for Mature)
I’m semi-borrowing this title from ManyMeadows. The whole time the Paravanes have been going through another round of health-related issues, the world has not stood still:
@ManyMeadows: “About 2 months ago, Dirk discovered an enlarged lymph on his left side. It didn’t go away. He scheduled an appointment with our family doctor who suggested he have it checked out by a surgeon. The surgeon discovered enlarged lymphs under both his armpits. Tuesday morning, June 9, Dirk undergoes a surgical biopsy.”
I think I saw this tweet from ManyMeadows recently: “Great news! Report for Dirk is benign!! Thanks so much for your prayers. You guys are awesome friends.9:48 AM Jun 16th from web”
For some odd reason, their blog hasn’t been updated. I mean come on, what else could be going on over there? Oh yeah, another Meadows AKA Anna Meadows @ AnnaMeadowsMinistries Blog page: “Anna is getting married, and please, no dinosaurs allowed.” I took that personally! So that all should be summed up as a THANKSGIVING ALERT! Right? (grin)
PRAYER ALERT FOR ANNE JACKSON @ FLOWERDUST.NET! She’s having “minor heart surgery”. Hey, I know we’ve made a lot of progress in the science of medicine and surgery, but I still think of that as an oxymoron.
PRAYER ALERT FOR MONICA & FAMILY @ transplanting me: I’ve put mon’s about page in the link there. I dunno why. I don’t actually know a lot of info about mon, other than that she and her family are fascinating aliens. They travel. And not in the nicest parts of the world most times, and not for fun, or at least, not anything I would recognize as “fun”. They must though, because they do this stuff a lot. I think they might be missionaries of some kind. Or maybe they are just aliens to the world wherever they are. They left for India from their home in Thailand, yesterday, if I got the Tweets right: “transplantingme today we leave for india. pray for safety for the team. wisdom for chaperones and awareness of God’s presence for all!!about 9 hours ago from web”. Mon, what the heck are y’all going to India for, anyway? Pray for them. Can’t hurt. (grin)
POSITION ALERT for all the readers of my Blog, and fair warning! You may be creating an Illegitimate Expert on the WORLD WIDE WEB! What? I’m not making it up! According to a post by Scott Williams @ www.bigisthenewsmall.com, all it takes is: “In the www. world you have to create your validity and my thought is “If people are listening and if you have an audience, influence, a voice, knowledge, experience, personality, talent, information… that people want to hear, you have just been legitimized.” So, y’all maybe legitimizing me. (grin)
I love Scott’s reference to the Snuggie. I doubt Scott watches Bill Maher’s Real Time. Bill did a skit about a combination Snuggie, ShamWow, and an accessory for it that makes the entire skit hilarious, but N.S.F.A. viewing (Not Safe For Alien Viewing). Here’s a link to one he did that doesn’t include the ah…”addon”. It’s S.F.A.(grin): Bill Maher: ” The Snug Wow” Hey Scott! I’m at least as legit as a Snuggie!
And finally, before I get to the personal stuff, PRAYER ALERT FOR MY FRIEND HEIDI @ Candid Chatter. She’s gotten caught up in the illegitimate expertise of me. See, no matter how honest, and straight-forward and no-nonsense you aliens are, yer still suckers for a good tear-jerker. And since I use this blog to pour my frustration and angst at the trials and tribulations I put myself through while running from the hounds of heaven looking for some spot to hide and quiver from the gaze of an all seeing God, well, she got sucked in. And now she hearts for me.
Poor thing. See, when y’all start praying for someone, you meet the two-edged sword of mercy and ministry face on. You don’t pray for the Paravane without getting both edges. She’s getting a first hand look at what my motto means: Fun, Hardly Ever Boring, but N.S.F.A. (yes, I HAVE expanded it! grin) I love her grit though. Doesn’t she remind you of that girl in True Grit? I’m a very poor substitute for John Wayne.
Seriously, I read these people’s blogs, comment on them, and involve them in my messed up life online, because I admire them. There are more, and I could make this post ridiculously long by covering all of them. Everyone from Ryan and Jenn Marshall to Avery to Aliens that don’t have blogs but have reached out to the Paravanes in a very hard time to offer sympathy, actions and prayer. All of which I very much appreciate.
Thank you all. Now go read their blogs for some really good stuff on Alien lifestyle and action in service of their Heavenly Father. I know I am!
On a personal note, my last post was very much a pouring out of the emotions at a very difficult moment. Actually, my wife is making progress in her recovery from this latest round of delirium as a result, at least as far as I can tell, of surgery, exhaustion and stress. She slept most of the night last night, despite discontinuing the use of Haloperidol and Chloral Hydrate. She is doing better this morning. I continue to hope.
Thank you all very much for your prayers. That is where the bemusement comes from. I don’t feel worthy of them or their intercession in my life. And yet, I continue to hope. Funny how that works. Your God is weird! (grin)
who is the beauty who the beast
subtitle: “Oh my love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain”
We all depend on reality being just that. It surrounds us with the assurance that God is in His heaven, and to a certain extent, all is “right” with the world.
What would we do if that was suddenly taken from us? If everything we experienced was misunderstood by all those who loved and cared for us?
You’re not a stranger to me
And you are something to see
You don’t even know how to please
You say a lot but you’re unaware how to leave
She is so much worse this time than last. In my pitiful attempt at perception. She is bemused and tries to accept my lack of being awake to what God is showing her in her world. Some of the time, her world is beautiful to her. But for the first time since I’ve known her, she’s doubted her own salvation. She screamed her fear of hell and being without us.
My darling lives in a world that is not mine
An old child misunderstood out of time
Timeless is the creature who is wise
And timeless is the prisoner in disguise
I hate her. I can’t stand her. She’s driving me insane. She won’t let me sleep or eat or read or watch TV or just be alone for 5 seconds. I fantasize about her dying.
Oh who is the beauty who the beast
Would you die of grieving when I leave
Two children too blind to see
I would fall in your shadow I believe
I grieve now. For the love of my life that I’ve lost. For the ability to show love and compassion for my wife, my love, my reason. I want to die of shame for the confusion and pain and suffering I cause her when I can’t take it anymore and I scream horrible things at her. If she doesn’t just stop it right now I WILL put her in the state psychiatric unit and she can talk to the walls being one of the lesser ones.
My love is a man who’s not been tamed
Oh my love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain
We come from difference worlds we are the same my love
I never doubted your beauty I’ve changed
I never doubted your beauty I’ve changed
She sees me living in a world that is not hers. In her world, God speaks to her. Tells her what to do, what to believe, what to act on. He reassures her that He will meet her every desire. Nothing I can say or do changes her faith in this. She yields to me because she has no choice.
Changed who is the beauty
Where is my beast (my love)
There is no beauty
Without my beast (my love)
I am the beast. I give her so many medications now that I fear for her ever recovering. I give her so many medications now in the hope that she will pass out and give me a minute’s peace, and then another and then another please just stay unconscious for one more minute. I give her so many medications now that I fear and don’t understand and wonder if she should even be on. I’m not a doctor. But who can find themselves in this depth of chemical confusion? I don’t know what to do, so I do what the doctors tell me to do. And I’m afraid it’s the worse thing I can do.
Who is the beauty
Who my love
Ahhh
Oh la bete la bete
Where is my beast
I am her beast. I am the beast that tortures her. I am the beast that both enjoys it and is ashamed by it. I am her beast. I am right here. And I long with all my heart not to be. I am ashamed, frightened, enraged.
My beauty my beauty
My beautiful beautiful beautiful
Beautiful beast
I’m so tired. I don’t know what we will do. The insurance has almost run out and we face tens of thousands in medical bills we won’t be able to pay this time. She doesn’t qualify for Medicaid and her Medicare doesn’t start until May of 2010. We won’t make it. I live each moment now dreading the next. I can’t even think about the near future without panic.
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God help us. We are lost.
faith is an act of submission
subtitle: whore fondles savior’s feet!
Submitting. Giving in. Going with the flow. Whatever you want to call it, sometimes it’s nothing more than not turning a situation into a SITUATION!
Wasn’t this whore the first person who saw Christ after he rose from the dead? What was God thinking! The nerve…
We went to bed at 8pm last night and woke up at midnight. It didn’t take much to convince her to go back to sleep. Then we woke up at 3am and wanted to walk a block to CVS to get some milk. Without me, I just needed to go back to sleep. She’d be fine.
Yeah. Not gonna happen. I thought about throwing a fit about it being 3 in the morning. Then I smiled at her, got my clothes on and took her to Buy4Hell (AKA Buy For Less for you normals).
We only spent $85. I won most of the “we don’t need that so let’s just put it back and think about it for next time” battles.
I just put her back to bed at 5am. After I took her dentures out, scrubbed the breakfast off them, cleaned out her denture holder and put them in with warm water and at tablet.
You would never have convinced me that I would do that for her one day. I’d have laughed and shook my head at yer naiveté. Last night before we went to sleep, I washed, dried and put Nystatin powder on a yeast infection on various areas of her anatomy.
Again, see above about not ever thinking I’d do stuff like this for anyone. Makes me wonder, what would I do for a stranger? Someone not a family member. And old person at a nursing home that looked understaffed and overwhelmed. Or just a homeless person.
Like that wandering vagabond crazy preacher and his gang of misfits. Did they have homeless people back in Jesus’ time like we do now? Or was that just Jesus dude and his disciples?
So when you do all that foot washing you guys do, do you use those disposable plastic hospital gloves? I just wash my hands thoroughly with soap and water after I do this stuff. And I do mean thoroughly. Almost OCD like. Makes me feel better. I dunno know about cleaner. Doing the gross stuff takes getting use to. Is that an act of faith?
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I’m still working on that one. How good are you at submission? Especially all you guy aliens? (grin)
faith is a five letter word
subtitle: can’t find my way home
I’m living in the moment right now. Thanking God that she is asleep. I’m getting a break from the insanity. She needs my attention every moment because moment to moment, she needs. It’s the baseline human status quo. We need. Without need, we don’t know what to do with ourselves.
It’s funny in a way because one of her psychotic mantras these past couple of weeks has been to repeat the question “What do I need? What do YOU need? over and over and over and over and over again.
Did I mention repeatedly? Did I mention that she talked to me nonstop for seven days and seven nights? Did I mention that no other occupation interested or was allowed because it caused distress? No TV, no books, no music, no talking to other people, no eating, no sleeping, no anything other than my full attention?
So now we have a bunch of new anti-psychotics and anti-seizure and mood leveling and anti-anxiety/depression medications. The daily pill-count more than doubled.
On the plus side, she stopped smoking. Hey, I’ll take one healthy obsession out of all the rest, if we have to have obsession.
I wait for life to return to normal. Wondering all the while if it actually will.
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So tell me, is that faith?
bicycle shop for God
subtitle: counting the cost in midst of pain
I’ve spent the last year crying and moaning about my inability to accept Christ as my personal savior. I don’t like that phrase. It’s too old school. But it applies. Yesterday I wrote a very moving emotional post once again about why I think all you aliens fail, and talked about the Refuge OKC.
What I failed to mention was something a 17 year old kid showing off his Mustang there said to me; “What’s the problem? Why aren’t you an alien too? Why don’t you just say take me to your leader?”
Smart ass kid. Typical Refuge mentality. They may not know specifically what they are supposed to be doing, but they’re doing it anyway. Seeking to do God’s will. No matter the cost or adversity.
I’ve been dreading my wife coming back home. I’ve been looking at it the wrong way. After all my bitching about how you aliens don’t see the opportunities to do God’s will sitting right in front of your faces, I’ve been doing the exact same thing.
We suffered through last year, despite the miracles and blessings we received, because it was so difficult and overwhelming and more than I could do all on my own. So this year I get off my shame and fear train and find help, and do God’s will as it’s set before me.
Isn’t that where you are supposed to meet God? If we truly believe that God is in control, then none of this is an unfortunate circumstance. It’s right where we are supposed to be. For whatever reason, it’s God saying “do this which I have set before you”.
I’m just as guilty of being blind to that and crying out to God and all of you “oh what must I do to be saved?” as I’ve ever accused any and all of you of ignoring what I think I see set before you while saying “oh what must I do to serve?”
I’m not implying that works will save me. But I have to believe that doing what is set before me will put me on the path where I will meet God waiting for me. Because all this moaning and crying about God’s inability to “save” me is a lot of horseshit.
I don’t want to fake it until I make it. Sorry Jenn, I know you would crawl through broken glass if it helped me find God, but I’m too good at faking it. I’ll have to try while being as real about it as I can.
To me, all this sounds like a place I’ve been before. With one exception. I’ve always thought of it as giving God another chance. I don’t know how to express what I’m thinking about it now other than to say accepting what’s before me right now to accomplish despite my lack of a belief in my “salvation status”, just feels right. So, despite it being just a feeling, I’m following it.
I’ll keep watching you aliens.
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This “thing I’m going through” started with Ryan of the OKC Refuge repairing bicycles while dealing with the emotional impact of not letting someone too wasted to come in and hang out. I couldn’t find a picture of Ryan doing that, so I used one of him serving by doing something else. But that’s where the post title came from. I watched him firmly stop this guy from coming in, then go back to repairing bikes, while visibly shaken from the encounter. I can’t help but be humbled by persistence in the face of suffering.
Take me to yer leader. (grin)
to write love
subtitle: Q. How is Renee doing now?
Here’s an interesting Christian meme.
The problem with happily ever after is there is no such thing this side of heaven. The entire focus of the physical is to escape pain. So what do you do once the low hanging fruit, the easily gathered harvest, is in?
I stopped by the Refuge on my way home from the hospital. It was “closed”. At a guess, I’d say they are struggling with the Vision. The Rescue Mission across the street provides most of the services the homeless either qualify for or are allowed. So what is the Refuge going to do, if not providing what the homeless will conditionally accept that the Mission doesn’t?
I’m familiar with the question. I could write a book of distractions based on it; How do you help without enabling? The answer is really very simple.
I’m fascinated by the entire picture presented by this microcosmic environment of pain and hope. I think it presents a model of where the church is at today. Wanting to do so much.
It’s not the enemy’s ability to destroy you that you have to worry about. You know that. It’s his ability to distract you. To limit you. You shouldn’t have to worry about that either.
So how is Renee doing now? How are your Renee’s doing? Oh, you don’t have any?
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Yer probably wondering what the homeless mentality has to do with the cutter’s mentality. As my wife has been asking lately; “what do YOU need?”
Craig Groeschel could be a parking lot attendant
subtitle: you probably think this post is about you
LifeChurch.tv has started their One Prayer thingy where Craig has the nerve to let other Pastors preach in his place. In his church AND on his Blog! Talk about pride! He should worry that one of em might take over! That’d show him!
I have to own up to it. I’ve been as subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, critical as anyone else of LifeChurch.tv and the “multi-screen movie theatre” formula. They just get my goat. Bunch of way to happy happy joy joy aliens. They think they’re so saved. The nerve.
Even now, I could pick at this and that. Personally, I hate sermons. I mean, how many times and different ways are you gonna preach these same messages? Aren’t they getting a bit repetitive after 2000 years?
And that’s not even me picking on LC specifically. Here’s an idea! Instead of sermons, you could just end the worship part and extend the “greet your neighbor” part into a micro-mission of personal outreach to that entire service’s new people population!
Wow! What a Bright Idea! It might even have some merit. It just lacks one thing that the LifeChurch.tv formula demands: Authentic Vision.
It’s an important omission, and why I think I finally get why LifeChurch.tv works. Despite all the flaws I think I perceive.
The vision isn’t Craig’s. I attended the South OKC LC Campus yesterday. It’s a few blocks from where my wife is hospitalized. Let me get that little sympathy jerking fact out of the way.
I met the Campus pastor, Trevor Williams, and he struck me pretty much the same as all the others. Nothing particularly special. A nice guy, but he didn’t radiate charisma. Probably any of his staff could step up and fill his shoes. And that’s the reason, IMHO, LifeChurch.tv works.
Let’s just say, for kicks and giggles, Craig did a short message about how he felt God was telling him to stop being in the leadership. And serve as a parking lot attendant instead. I’m not saying that should happen. I’m just asking what do you think would become of LifeChurch.tv and the whole multi-campus movement if it did?
And maybe you should step in. Because you have a much much better vision, sunshine? Aw come on. You do too think so, sometimes. I know I’ve had that little fantasy myself…(grin)
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Movie church works because it isn’t led by any single individual’s charisma. Craig isn’t the author or owner of the vision. Who owns yours?
Do you like that I call it “Movie church”? Do you like it a little too much? (grin)
hurting God
When you sin, you hurt God. You kill his son. You drive the nails into his palms, you press the crown of thorns onto his head.
Funny thing is, God set himself up for this. He’s omnipresent, remember? He knew in advance every sin that would cause him pain, every step that would lead to the torture and death of his own son. Omnipresent. He experienced it in advance of you and I.
Have you experienced the prolonged pain and suffering of a loved one? Ever been in a position where you have to convince yourself that it’s necessary while you listen to their sobs and cries for help in the background? While you argue with someone over the phone about why they aren’t doing something to help them not suffer?
So is God a masochist?
